Emptiness Kills (The Cause and The Cure)

“Hi, dude.”

“Hi”

“How’s life?”

“Dead inside, as always :p”

“LOL, I take that as ‘fine’ since you are being dead inside way too often.”

“Hahah, damn it.”

“I think I just found a cure for my dead inside-ness tho. That is why I text you.”

“Really? What is it then?”

“Brace yourself okay, it is really important.”

“Okay, I am all ears.”

“The answer is...silaturahmi.”

“Hmmm, what?”

“Silaturahmi.”

“ :| "

“What?”

“It feels so wrong to get word ‘silaturahmi’ from you. I don’t know why.”

“Cuk, I am being serious right now. Silaturahmi.”

“Hahaha, Im being serious too. Just stop saying silaturahmi. Your face, nah, your attitude doesn’t suit that noble word.”

“I wanted to help you a second ago but now all I think is finding the right place to hide your dead body after I poison your food.”

“Hahaha okay okay please, enlighten me with this precious ‘silaturahmi’ idea. Please.”

“Remember when I asked you the reason behind your dead-inside-ness and you told me that you have no idea?”

“Hm”

“I start to contemplate mine. The very reason why I feel so dead inside. And the reason is because I can’t get over the emptiness inside me. And why am I feeling empty? That is because my closest friends aren’t here anymore. I am all alone. I can’t be alone. I wasn’t born to be a loner. I can’t even stand the idea of me, eating ayam Olip alone. I wasn’t ready.”

“Okay, I am listening. But wait, you’ve been living separately from your parents for over 6 years and you’re doing fine. So is that really it? That people get out of your life?”

“No, that’s totally different. Maybe I've been away from my family but they are still there. They aren’t going anywhere. They are still in my life and occupy the exact same orbital.

My friends not just moved out to other cities, but they also moved out of the orbital they had been in. they were getting a bit further."

"What do you mean? Damn. I can't even write what do you mean without imagining Justin Bieber! What a karma 😒"

"Dude 😑 You know. Once, I entered the game of life confidently. I looked straight ahead, rolled up my sleeve and tighten my shoe laces. Unluckily, I stumbled and fell at the very first lap. Apparently, I wasnt a runner. I wasnt a good player.

But I survived. How? because they were there. They played the same game as I did so they knew the struggle, the pain. They stood right beside me, encouraged me, supported me, said that it will be okay. They were a big part of my strenght (i just realize)

But now, they are not playing the same game as I do anymore. They are playing wives, they are playing moms. While I am here still busy playing employee.”

“And playing CoC, don’t forget about that one lololol”

“ -_______________-“

“Hahaha, please continue, ignore me.”

“Ever since they moved out to live with their partner, I started to reduce my dependence on them. I didn’t text them for days, I was too afraid that I will disturb their ‘family’ time. I tried so hard to not think about it and convince myself that I will be okay without them.”

“But eventually you realize that you aren’t okay without them?”

“Yes hahaha. I have had dead inside even before I realized it.”

“So you start to contact them again, menjalin silaturahmi to heal your dead heart?”

“Yeah. I contact them frequently once again. And we chat a lot. We talk about each other live and sometimes about the most random things ever. Just like we used to on our old days.

They response my text as always. How silly I was, being really afraid that they would ignore me.

Even though we have different priorities now, doesn’t mean that we can’t be friends anymore.

Changes are inevitable. I just need time to adapt to these changes. But as long as I still have my friends, I will be fine.

I also a bit open up to my ‘new’ friends at work. I hang out with them rather often. I join their talk. I talk to my family more often too now, especially my brother.” 

“So, U aren't dead inside anymore?”

"Hahaha, my dead inside-ness is not all because my friends' leave. There are also other reasons which I am still working on. But yes, I am a bit alive right now :D

LOL, maybe my solution can’t be applied to your case. But at least now we know that to cure our dead-inside-ness, we need to find the root of it in the first place.”

“To be honest. I know what caused my dead inside-ness. I said I have no idea but actually I know all along. I just could’t tell you.”

“That’s fine. The important thing is that you know the reason. You don’t have to tell me. You only need to know it yourself because from there you will be able to feel something again and cure your numbness.”

“Hahah, why we have this kind of depressing talk anyway?? You! I blame you for making me feel so miserable right now.”

“LOL, you know what…I wrote ‘loneliness kills’ on google once and it lead me to suicide forum. SUICIDE FORUM for f’ sake. We are screwed bruh."

"Huft Okay. Let me think about it."

"You better think properly about it."