A Letter to You Whom I Might or Might Not Hurt

Jakarta, April 5^th 2018

I don’t really understand myself why I decide to make this lame letter but then again, I don’t want this ‘mengganjal’ feeling keeps bothering me so I need to 'make peace' with it -through this letter-. I promise that I won’t use depressing ‘cry me a river’ writing style in here lol so endure it just for a little while alright? And there we go:

Where do I start?

Uhm, how about the beginning of all of this? Okay, ready?

Once upon a time, a weird naïve girl met a boy who was just as weird. With the help of a strange fate, they didn’t slay any dragon nor found a mountain of hidden treasures since it wasn’t that kind of story anyway lol but at least on that moment, an absurd platonic story between them just began.

.

We didn’t talk much. Only once or twice a year, to be exact *inserts another pathetic lol in here

But still, there was something between us, as my friend claimed.

She said that there was an unspoken feeling between us.

Yep, unspoken feeling. The very same term used by Peter Quill to describe his relationship with Gamora in Guardian of The Galaxy 2, which in my perspective was very cute.

I never approved my friend’s opinion though I never denied it either.

All I knew was, you were more than just a friend to me but I was too scared to put a label on you and our relationship. I mean, I was a coward in the first place especially when it came to interpersonal relationship so of course, I would have probably averted my mind and automatically searched my way out whenever the topic was being put on the table.

I knew that you were still paying attention to my very being these 4-5 years while I, on the other hand, just kept being the selfish and the self-centered me and never made any effort to return the favor. And yet, after knowing that hideous flaw of mine, you were still willing to keep up with me for all these years.

For that, I deeply apologize.

And also for that, I want to take a chance to say thank you.

.

The news you’d sent me the other day somehow lifted the weight on my shoulder even though I admitted, it also strangely felt a bit painful to me. I am glad that my inability to trust someone let alone to commit in a relationship doesn’t end up dragging your life or something. But to be honest, the selfish part of me also feels sad knowing the fact that you will no longer be there.
But that is fine. Life changes so does feeling.

So, what is the point of this whole letter?

Well, at this very end, I want to at least make the unspoken becomes a bit clearer thus I will be able to express my gratitude that I got the chance to ever experience it.

I’ve learned my lesson really.

And with this, I think I will be able to move forward too.
I mean, recently I've been thinking that building a family and have a child or two doesn't seem like a bad idea, for Gandalf's sake. I've shown a progress, haven't I?

Wish me luck ^^

P.S.: Uhm, Pardon me because I think I am going to block you from my social mediae for awhile –I promise it is only for awhile- so, no hard feeling yaa. My heart is kinda weak after all lol.